By: Kimberly Harkey
Often, ADHD clients show up to therapy ready to tell me about the newest book they’re reading and how it’s going to help them hack their life. As the therapist, I also find myself getting excited about every new book I see about ADHD. A new book about executive functioning and ADHD? Sign me up. A book about how to keep house while drowning? I’m in. The newest research on rejection sensitivity in ADHD? I’m instantly downloading that audiobook. A workbook on ways to stop procrastinating? I’ll buy that. There is more and more research coming out about ADHD that is so intriguing. And yet, I notice people getting sucked into the hope that the next book will finally have the answers for how an ADHDer keeps their house clean, never loses their keys, and stops getting stuck in rumination. Spoiler alert: Rarely does the book solve all their problems.
When do you get to find ease in the present moment?
I want to be clear—these books can be helpful. Many contain wisdom from folks with ADHD that might help the reader unlock a new ease in completing tasks. I’m lucky to witness people come in and share how listening to music while doing dishes feels life-changing or how adding a dreaded task to their bedtime routine suddenly works for them. Those changes are worth celebrating! But if you’re always looking for the process that will change your life, when do you get to enjoy the life you’re in? When do you get to find ease in the present moment?
Why ADHDers Keep Chasing the Next Solution (ADHD Brain Science + Therapy Insight)
The memes about folks with ADHD owning endless planners and constantly searching for the one that will finally organize their life exist for a reason. ADHD brains can cover a lot of ground in a day because they’re constantly going. Much of that time is spent problem-solving. How can you minimize time spent looking for lost things? What if you could get three things done at once instead of one? Our brains are designed to solve problems, and they will do just that if we let them. The endless supply of books offering solutions plays right into this.
ADHD brains also love novelty. It can be a great strength, but it can also lead to excitement about the new thing that seems shinier than the last. Settling in and practicing acceptance can feel counterintuitive to the novelty-seeking and impulsivity that come naturally to an ADHD brain. This is often something we explore in neurodiversity-affirming therapy for ADHD, where the goal isn’t to remove novelty but to work with the brain’s natural rhythms.
The Emotional Toll of Constant Self-Improvement (and How ADHD Therapy Helps)
The endless search for your keys can be exhausting, and so the endless search for relief begins. While these self-help books may help ADHD individuals find relief or set up successful systems, they rarely create lasting change or lasting peace. True peace comes from self-acceptance and self-compassion. The goal isn’t to find a way to live life as if you’re neurotypical. The goal is to find acceptance of how your brain works.
So often, humans want to find the fastest way to the finish line. If you can just figure out the right processes, your life will be better. And yet, that doesn’t change how your brain works or how you’re wired. You end up trying to pretend you’re someone you aren’t—trying to pretend you don’t have ADHD. In the process, you beat yourself up, think something is wrong with you, and miss out on all of your strengths. It can be really tough to see the strengths of your ADHD brain when your attention is focused only on the parts you don’t like.
Often, ADHDers end up feeling “not good enough” or “too much.” The inner critic turns on as soon as you miss an appointment or tell someone about your most recent hyperfocus. You tell yourself you should have done better and start searching for the next strategy to “fix” it. But what if you’re fine the way you are? What if missing an appointment is simply part of your process of going to the doctor? These questions are central to compassion-focused ADHD therapy.
Neurodiversity-Affirming Therapy for ADHD
Therapy is not the only path to healing, but it can be a helpful part of your journey as an ADHDer. Neurodiversity-affirming therapy holds true—and celebrates—that all brains are different, assumes there is no “normal” way to exist, emphasizes autonomy, and normalizes differences. In working with a neurodiversity-affirming therapist, you can expect to work toward self-compassion and embracing all parts of your ADHD experience. The neurodiversity movement began with the idea that neurodiversity exists naturally among humans and that we don’t need a hierarchy of which brain functions the “best.”
When your neurodivergent brain is seen as a normal part of human variation, it can feel both scary and life-changing. You may have spent your whole life feeling like you have to work to fit in, that you’re always behind, and that others are judging you for forgetting things. Neurodiversity-affirming therapy asks you: What if you don’t need to change? What if how you show up is simply one variation of being human? What if your strengths are needed in our society? What if you are a whole human exactly as you are?
Self-Compassion in ADHD Therapy
When you start to see yourself as whole, you can begin to shift your perspective about what actually needs to change. You may still choose to set extra alarms or make a to-do list to make sure you get The Task You Dread the Most done. (Italicizing because that task deserves a dramatic title like He Who Must Not Be Named—it always feels that evil and dreadworthy.) But I wonder if you can imagine a version of you in a parallel universe that sees things a little differently. A version that also has ADHD and notices all the bumblebee chores you got done while avoiding The Task You Dread the Most. The version that notices your ADHD superpower is doing the dishes, starting the laundry, writing an email, and sweeping the kitchen all while procrastinating The Task You Dread the Most. That version sees that your process includes doing a whole bunch of other tasks before tackling that dreaded one.
Getting to that version of yourself can be a rocky road. Along the way, it includes letting go of the need to complete The Task You Dread the Most as quickly as possible. That can feel difficult when you’re functioning in a society built for neurotypicals that may not understand the value of your process. In therapy for ADHD, we explore how to honor your natural rhythms instead of forcing yourself into systems that don’t fit.
How Neurodiversity-Affirming ADHD Therapy Supports Real Change
So often, we want to find the fastest way to the finish line. If we can just figure out the right processes, our life will be better. And yet, that doesn’t change how our brain works or how we’re wired. We end up trying to pretend we’re someone we aren’t. Trying to pretend we don’t have ADHD. In the process, we beat ourselves up, think something is wrong with us, and overlook our strengths. It can be really tough to recognize the strengths of your ADHD brain when you’re focused on what you don’t like about it.
How nice would it feel to simply exist? I know that feels hard for ADHD brains. I don’t mean sitting in a quiet room doing nothing—I mean being present to the things that matter to you without beating yourself up for the dishes in the sink. Existing in the world as if you are enough. Because you are. You don’t need to chase solutions. You deserve support that honors how your brain naturally works.
Roseate Therapy 
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