Why Roseate Therapy? Finding Meaning in Self-Compassion

By: Kimberly Harkey

February 20, 2024

Self-compassion is at the heart of the work I find myself doing as a therapist. Yet I never knew the process of choosing a business name would require so much self compassion. I found myself coming up with name after name. None of them sparked joy or excitement for me. As much as I tried to practice self compassion, I found myself criticizing not only the names I came up with, but also my own ability to come up with names.

Somewhere along the way though, I spent some time narrowing down my values as a human, as a therapist, as a soon-to-be business owner. One quote about sunsets (and their roseate glow) and self-compassion kept coming to mind that has always grounded me as a therapist. I’ve heard the co-founders of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Kelly Wilson and Steven Hayes talk about it. 

The Metaphor

 The metaphor compares how we look at a sunset to how we look at people. We look at sunsets and take in their beauty without trying to fix them. Rarely do you hear someone say ‘That roseate glow could be rosier’ or ‘That sunset needs more purple.’ We don’t criticize sunsets. We accept, and even love them, as they are. 

Yet, we so often look at other areas of life (including ourselves) and our brain starts coming up with all the ways it could be better or different. When I tried to come up with a name for this therapy practice, I had a few that would have been perfectly good. My brain still came up with thoughts like ‘That’s not catchy enough’ or ‘It needs to sound more healing.’ Instead of practicing self-compassion, I would then spend time coming up with more possible names or doubting myself all together. Our brains don’t often instantly practice self acceptance or self-compassion.

When we look at sunsets, we have a ‘sunset state of mind.’ We take in the sunset without needing to change it. When we experience or see an area of life that we would like to be better, we start using our problem solving mind to come up with a way to improve things.

The big question in therapy is: What if we could apply a sunset state of mind to ourselves? To others? To life? What if we could choose when we use a sunset state of mind and when we use a problem solving mind? My vision for therapy is that you find more self-compassion. Instead of your brain autopiloting on problem solving mode, you reach a point where you can actively choose when you want to solve something and when you want to extend yourself compassion.

The Work at Roseate Therapy

We’ll strive to bring this ability to observe things neutrally to the therapy room as much as possible. This won’t be toxic positivity. We’ll use it to observe the roseate glow of the sunset, roseate spoonbills (my favorite bird), and also in observing and experiencing the things that don’t feel quite as beautiful or comfortable. We’ll strive for self-compassion for all parts of you.

We’ll work on being in the present moment to consciously welcome all experiences equally. We will find ways that feel helpful to you to be mindful of when you are using a sunset state of mind and when you have your problem solving mind turned on. 

One day we may focus on welcoming all emotions -both pleasant and unpleasant. Another day, we may identify action steps or coping skills (with self-compassion in your back pocket in case it doesn’t go quite as planned). The next day we may work on welcoming all versions of you – past, present, future, in all facets. All in the hope that we can welcome in some self-compassion by choosing a sunset state of mind.